


Almost Gone

by Jellybonkerz



Series: Never Without You. [2]
Category: Dragon Age
Genre: DA2, DAO, Dragon Age 2 - Freeform, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-30
Updated: 2011-04-30
Packaged: 2017-10-18 19:45:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/192564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jellybonkerz/pseuds/Jellybonkerz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Anders' refuses to go on a mission, leaving Hawke angry and doubtful he very quickly learns how big of a mistake he made, at the cost of Hawkes life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Almost Gone

**Almost Gone.**

* * *

"So you're really not coming with us?"

She scowled at him, her arms folded tightly at her chest. Hawke couldn't believe him, and after everything that they've been through. He was always with her and now when she really needed him, he was just going to refuse to go.

She was doing this for him.

"I just can't Mar, I have things I need to do here." Anders said as he was fumbling through the bag of flasks on the table, the harsh clinking of glass making him wince nervously. Turning away from her heated stare, as he busied himself around the clinic looking everywhere but at her.

This bothered her more then she knew it should, but it was not nearly as busy as it once had been when she'd first met him. The refugees from Ferelden were still coming, even a year after the end of the Blight. There was still a slow stream of people that would come in throughout the day.

Most of the refugees had nothing more serious than a few scrapes or cuts that could easily be taken care of without him having to be there. Hawke could tell Anders was keeping something from her. There is more going on than he was saying, and she really didn't have the time to argue with him about it.

The information they had received about the slavers transporting young mages out of Kirkwall seemed to be valid. Varric had done some digging and came up with some very crucial information. The slavers were moving the young apostates within the hour. They needed to go now, if they even stood a chance of stopping them.

Hawke sighed, letting her arms fall loosely at her sides, she felt defeated. "So you're just going to leave me without a healer then?" she grumbled.

"You'll be fine Mar, you can heal anyone that's injured, you've dealt with worse than a few slavers."

"You know very well that I can barely cast a minor healing spell, and what if someone gets seriously hurt and I can't heal them properly."

Picking up the small pack beside one of the empty cots, Anders went about stuffing a few of the healing flasks along with some bandages inside, closing it tightly, holding it out to her.

"Here, this should be more than enough."

Hawke frowned staring at the bag like it was the biggest insult she had ever received, her was blood boiling as she fought to reign in the anger.

"Fine then, I'll just bring Fenris, at least he won't turn his back on what needs to be done." She snapped, snatching the pack from him as she stormed towards the door.

"Mara, don't be like that," he called out.

She paused just before reaching the door, her shoulders slumped forward, she looking back at him, her blue eyes filled with hurt. "We can talk about this tonight when I get back," she said solemnly.

"Of course," he whispered.

"Are you even coming home tonight?" she asked, her body tensed as she was expecting him not to answer.

"Yes, yes, of course I am. Why wouldn't I?" His frown deepened.

"Okay." she replied, turning away from him and storming out the door where Varric and Aveline waited for her.

"Let's go, we have to go back to Hightown and get Fenris, and we need to hurry." she stated as she stormed up to them.

"Blondie's not coming with us?" Varric asked surprised, watching as she shoved the pack of healing flask at Aveline angrily.

"No, he's not." she hissed.

Varric's eyes went wide in surprise. "But why no..."

"Just drop it Varric." Hawke snapped, "It's his choice, just leave it at that alright!" She growled, storming off towards the passage heading towards her estate.

Varric watched Hawke sympathetically. "Well, that can't be good," He murmured loud enough for Aveline to hear.

"No, it isn't." Aveline said, as she watched a very angry, Hawke curse at the passage door, she fumbled with the key to unlock it. "I've never seen her angry over someone not being able to go on a mission before." Aveline said Looking worriedly at Varric.

Varric shrugged, "It's Blondie, he fawns over her more than her mabari does, he's always with her. She's just got her nose out of joint cause he's not coming," He said with a frown, looking at Aveline. "I have a bad feeling about this, I hate to say it, but I think Blondie might up to something."

"Let's hope for Hawke's sake he's not." Aveline said, picking up her pace to catch up to Hawke as she disappeared into the darkness of the passageway.

Xxx

Hawke always hated the undercity, too many things could be hidden in shadows. Thugs and thieves around every turn, preying on the weak and defenseless. On top of that, this trip was taking longer than it should have. What was suppose to have been an hour's walk, was now taking close to three hours, and she was getting hot and tired. Hours of walking and fighting things at every turn was becoming aggravating.

To top it all off there was Fenris, seeming to do everything he could to make her mood even worse than it was.

"So, tell me again, why the mage is not here with us?" Fenris asked, as he watched Hawke glare sidelong at him.

"I told you, I don't know. He wouldn't say." She hissed at him through clenched teeth, "Have you forgotten that I'm a mage too Fenris?" She retorted back at him. She knew he was trying to prove some sort of point about Anders, and she was in no mood to hear it from him today.

"Of course I haven't forgotten, but since you let him... live with you. I haven't seen you anywhere without your pet mage."

"He's not my pet, he has a mind of his own. He's with me because he chooses to be, and because he loves me." she retorted, biting down on her bottom lip, trying to keep her temper in check.

"So you say," He said dryly.

She felt her resolve snap, grabbing a hold of Fenris' arm pulling him to a stop, her anger boiling up.

"At least he didn't walk out on me less than an hour after leaving my bed, Fenris." She growled, regretting the words as soon as she spoke them her anger receded, she heaved a heavy sigh, releasing his arm.

 _Why did he even care that Anders wasn't with them? It's not like the two ever got along in the first place._

Fenris became ridged at her response. "I deserved that," he said cautiously. " I never told you how sorry I was for that night, and not because it happened. I just wish... I had handled it better is all, and then perhaps I wouldn't have so many regrets about us." He said, his voice taking on a bitter tone.

Hawke's step faltered, she hadn't expected that response from him, or that he still harbored feelings and regrets about what happened between them. They had never spoken of that night three years prior. It had hurt her more then she let on. She had come to have strong feelings for Fenris, and she had been sure he at least shared some of those feelings with her. Instead things spiraled and crashed down around her. It crushed her.

"I... I'm, Fenris... I don't..." she stammered, not knowing how to respond, her mind a blur of what if's and maybe's.

Fenris laid his hand on her shoulder squeezing it reassuringly. "Hawke, don't, it's alright. It was my fault not yours, there's nothing to say. I missed my chance and it is something I will have to learn to accept." smiling at her slack jawed expression. "I will admit though, losing you to that mage does leave a bitter taste."

"I love him Fenris, that's not going to change." she whispered.

"I know, I can't say I like the idea of you with him. But I will not stand in the way."

"I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" he asked, eyebrow raised.

"I don't know... That I didn't try harder for us, maybe if I had followed you."

"No, Hawke, There was nothing you could have done. I was being a fool, none of it was your fault. Don't ever blame yourself for my mistakes," reaching out he rested a hand on her shoulder, with a sad expression, she suddenly understood what Merrill meant about his puppy eyes.

"I think, I was falling in love with you, if makes a difference." sadness crept in her voice.

Fenris frowned, "Unless you have changed your mind about the mage... then no, it doesn't make a difference other than making me realize, I was even more the fool."

"You're not a fool, but no I won't change my mind about Anders either."

He snorted exasperated, "At least he treats you the way you deserve, that's the only nice thing I will say about him. But I still don't trust him. If he ever does anything to hurt you in any way I will rip his heart out."

She nodded, she understood how he felt; she still cared a great deal for the elf, but she loved Anders, nothing would change that. They all walked together in a comfortable silence; a sense of calmness wrapped around her and she felt a silent understanding between them, even though they were no longer lovers, their friendship survived and she was grateful for it.

Xxx

Hawke hated rogues with a passion, well really it was more like she hated fighting against them. All the sneaky roguish tactics they were all so good at, and she always had a hard time keeping them at bay without Anders there to help, she felt useless against them.

Anders wasn't there now, and that made it even harder for her to keep them away from her. Most of the spells she was good at were elemental, and the rogues always seemed to have a high resistance to slowing spells, giving them better chance of getting closer than she was comfortable with. This was becoming a real pain in the ass, fast.

They reached where the supposed 'slavers' were holding the apostates, but it didn't take long for them realize that there were no slavers at all. There weren't any apostates either. What they did find was a very large group of assassins.

Apparently all the work they had been doing against the slave traders, and for the mages, had upset someone enough to pay a small fortune for a very large group of assassins.

Hawke didn't know whether to find it funny that someone would go through all the trouble to hire someone, or if she should be upset that they fell for this very poorly orchestrated trap, but things seemed to be going fine. That was until they went bad very quickly.

Hawke's power was waning; she had drained the last of the lyrium position she brought with her. This was not good she thought to herself. Her head swam, she had taken too much, and this fight was taking far longer then it should have. There was just too many of them coming at her. She used everything she had to keep the mass of the assassins off of her, then luck seemed to be on her side as she gathered enough mana to take out three of the five assassins who were doing their best to try and take her down. Hawke looked to the others as they were quickly overwhelmed by the remaining assassins, she panicked.

She attempted to cast out healing spells to little avail, cursing under her breath she knew she should have listened to Anders when he tried to convince her to let him teach her more complex healing skills. She attempted to stay close to her companions, but the two rogues that had been slowly working down her defenses, they were herding her further away from her companions trying to corner her and it was working. She deflected their attacks with her staff, but even that was barely enough She would just have to make due. Her mana was drained, and her shield dropped, she was in trouble and she knew it.

It was the lightning that did it, that last burst of mana she had been able to muster helping take down the bulk of the group that surrounded the others, but it was at great cost, relief flooded through her, knowing the others would be able to handle the rest on their own, but she was not as lucky.

Hawke was spent, no mana and no lyrium. She was pretty much defenceless. One of the rogues had her backed into the far corner. She could no longer see the other.

The single black clad rogue with piercing green eyes smirked while lunging at her. She blocked his attack twisting her staff, knocking him off balance for a brief moment.

"Hawke!" Fenris shouted, realizing she was no longer in sight.

"OVER HERE." She gasped, tired as she struggled to stay one step ahead of her attacker.

Fenris bolted towards the sound of her shouts; fear for her safety welling up inside him as she was struggling with the lone assassin. He pushed himself to move faster, but she was too far away. His stomach lurched when he saw the shadow moving behind her, "HAWKE BEHIND Y…"

Her eyes, blue sapphire eyes locked onto Fenris' dark green panicked ones, hearing his shouts for her, bringing her staff back and smashing it into the stealth assassin's face with a sicking crunch, but focus from one to the other left her vulnerable, and it was too late to stop the attack from in front.

Her eyes bulging in shock, as the feeling of intense pressure pulsed in the right side of her chest, an uncomfortable tearing, and a sickening popping and cracking that made her gasp in a ragged breath.

Hawke wasn't even aware what was happening as the dagger slid like a hot knife through butter, deep between her ribs, right up to the hilt. For just a brief moment there was nothing but confusion, _-How did that happen?-_ she wondered, looking down at the dagger protruding from the right side of her chest, blood gushed from the wound, hearing the panicked cries of her companions, the voices a made no sense as they seemed muffled, all but the thunder of her own heart beat pounding in her ears.

Everything seemed to be moving so slowly now, watching as the blood was pouring from the wound, the pain had come so fast that her knees buckled. Blinding white and searing agony shot through her, lighting and fire combined. There was no end to it even though she tried to scream, all that came out was garbled and wet choke. The taste of her own, blood hot on her tongue, the coppery metallic tang made her stomach turn and lurched. Clutching at her chest, feeling the pressure of the dagger protruding, she could feel it buried deep inside. She wanted to pull it out, get it out, it felt wrong there and the pain was unbearable. She couldn't breath, a loud clatter rang out as her staff hit the ground, but she hardly noticed while fighting to stay on her feet.

She wasn't watching for the other assassin. How very stupid of her, thoughts filling her mind trying to focus on what had happened. Hawke's legs were wobbling, looking around frantically for her companions, hearing their panicked shouts, as she watched dizzily while Fenris plunged his hand deep into an assassins chest, ripping out his still beating heart and throwing it to the ground with a snarl. The assassin crumbled dead at his feet. Arching his sword, taking two swift steps towards Hawke, bringing it down with a sickening crunch into the second assassin that still laid crumpled by her feet.

Her world was spinning madly around her as she staggered, her knees giving way, but Fenris was there with his arms around her waist, taking hold of her just before she hit the ground. His eyes were wild with fear. Hawke had never seen him look so afraid before, and didn't like it. Sucking in a wet breath, a sharp pain shot through her chest. She was grabbing for the hilt of the dagger, wanting it out because the pain was too much to bear.

"NO!" Fenris bellowed, grabbing a her wrist, yanking it away from the dagger. "You can`t, you'll bleed to death. Just be still Hawke," his voice cracked as he fought for control over of his emotions.

Her whole body was trembling. Aveline knelt beside her, pulling a healing flask from the pack. Aveline popped the wax sealed cork then pressing it to Hawke's lips. "Drink this, it will help with the pain and slow some of the bleeding." her friend's voice stern and steady but even she couldn't hide the fear etched across her face.

Hawke drank the potion, sputtering deeply. The bitter taste mixed with the taste of her own blood her made her gag as she fought to swallow the foul concoction. The pain did not ease though, it seemed to worsen, as she tried letting herself settle back into Fenris' arms.

Varric paced nervously a few feet away, his eyes flicking back and forth from Hawke to Fenris, "We have to get her out of here, she'll die for sure if don't move now," he said with an edge to his voice.

Fenris growled. "We can't move her, she'll never make it if we do." he said, glaring at Varric.

Aveline grabbed Fenris by the arm, he flinched at her touch, pulling away sharply. "Fenris, she won't make it if we stay here; the only way she`s going to survive is to get her back to the clinic." Aveline protested, her frown deepening.

Fenris stared down at Hawke trembling in his arms, he sighed, nodding in defeat as he buried his face into her hair inhaling a shaky breath, the fear of losing her even though she was no longer his, frightened him. "Hang on, don't give up on me now." He whispered softly, into her ear. "Let's go," His tone had changed, determination his eyes, blazing with anger as he gathered Hawke up into his arms awkwardly, trying his best not to jolt her.

Aveline frowned as she watched Fenris gather up Hawke into his arms, it was a very dangerous for him to carry her like this, he could do more damage moving the dagger and cause even more bleeding or worse. "Fenris, we should find something to carry…"

"No time, let's go." He barked, storming off in the direction from which they had come in. Fenris charged ahead, his mind focused on one thing, getting Hawke there alive. Refusing to stop for anything, and if she died he was going to kill that mage with his bare hands.

Xxx

It hurt for her to breathe, every breath she took burned and bubbled inside her chest. A wet wheeze that matched Fenris labored breathing, her head rested against his armored chest as he cradled her tightly to him Even in his armor, she could hear his heart racing. Even with all the pain, the sound was soothing. The rushed rhythm was keeping her from slipping away. She fought with everything in her to stay awake. Scared to let the darkness take hold, knowing she might never wake again.

She shivered as the feeling of cold was deep, thinking it was strange that it had been so hot and damp, down in the passages. But now she was shivering, every joint in her body aching with every step Fenris took. Although the bleeding had slowed, the blood loss was taking its toll. Not sure how much longer she could keep herself from slipping into the blackness.

Tears burned her eyes, as she tried blinking them back and fighting to keep them at bay. She didn't want to die, not like this, not to something so stupid, and not before she could tell Anders how very sorry she was for doubting him.

"Fenris." She croaked, her mouth dry, her breathing laboured.

"Shh, were almost there, just a little further," He whispered, "Just hold on a little longer." As he fought to keep control of his own voice. Fenris could feel her slipping away from him, now her skin was pale and her lips a tint of blue. He pushed himself harder, for she was running out of time fast. He wondered if he was fast enough.

She tried to just hear something, trying desperately to push away the pain. Hating how weak she had become. So she tried taking in the sounds around the fast paced rhythm of footsteps from behind, Varric and Aveline? she wondered. Then Fenris' labored breaths. She worried about him, must have been tiring from carrying her she thought. Must he always be so stubborn.

The distressed voices of Varric and Aveline came, she strained to hear them but their hurried words were just a mumble of voices, and pitches. The pain was growing even more intense making her lose her focus. Shutting out the sounds by pulling back to Fenris' racing heart beat. The loud thrum, thrum, thrumming, as she held on desperately to that sound. The beat that was so fierce like him, that part of him she had been falling in love with those many years ago. She whimpered as weakness started to take her over and it was becoming too hard to hold on, she felt herself slipping as her eyes closed.

"ANDERS!" his voice echoing through the halls of Darktown.

The shout had startled her. The panicked sound of his voice jolted her, bringing her rushing back to consciousness. She gasped.

"ANDERS!" Fenris bellowed, again his hastened pace turned into to a steady run, trying to hold her tighter to him.

Tears streamed down her face the pain becoming unbearable with every step that Fenris took. Her head flopped to the side, as her blurred eyes started searching.

Then he was there, she had seen him before she heard his voice, and relief flooded through her, thankful to at least see him, if not one last time. Her Anders.

Anders rushed out of the clinic when the frantic shouts had started, glancing around a look of confusion etched on his face, looking about bewildered, taking him only a brief moment to realize what was happening.

Anders heart sank, at the sight of a limp and blood soaked Hawke that Fenris carried tightly cradled in his arms. The confusion on Anders face quickly turning to horror, his knees giving out he stumbled almost falling, after a brief moment, gathering himself, he bolted out towards them. She was so pale. He thought she was dead, a limp rag doll dangling in the elf's arms. A dagger protruding from her chest.

"Andraste's flaming ass, what the fuck happened?" He shouted in a panic, placing his fingers on her neck. Her pulse was weak but surprisingly steady for the amount of blood that soaked them both, her beautiful blue eyes stared glazed up at him. A thin line of blood caked the corner of her mouth.

Fenris glared at Anders, his voice full of loathing. "You are what happened MAGE you were not there when you should have been, THIS would never have happened." Fenris snarled his eyes blazed with hate and rage.

Anders scowled at the elf, reaching out to gather her from the his arms. "Give her to me." He demanded.

"No." Fenris spat.

"Give her to me now, Fenris." Anger began to boil within him, he felt Justice's attention focus as he pushed him back from his mind.

"I said, NO. Tell me where to you need me to put her, but I will not hand her off to you, mage." Fenris growled, possessively clutching her even more tightly to him.

Anders glowered, he wanted to just grab her out of his arms. Snatch her away from him, protect her from the brooding elf, but her breathing caught his attention she was whimpering and groaning in a loud ragged wheeze.

Realizing how foolish he was being, Anders frowned. "Bring her in quickly." he huffed, rushing them all into the clinic. He had a long night ahead of him he knew. And with the likelihood of a very grim outcome. A feeling of dread and self loathing began to creep up, threatening to consume him.

"I need lyrium, as much as you can find," he directed to Varric. The dwarf nodded, taking leave to do as asked. "Boil some water in the basins in the corner, clean linens, bandages and more blankets." Anders barked out orders to the Aveline, his focus was now all on Hawke. As she lay limply on the cot, trying hard not to stare to her half dead gaze, where her once shimmering blue eyes that were now glazed and lackluster, not quite dead but not full of the life he cherished. shaking his head, he needed to stay focused scolding himself.

Anders hands shimmered blue haze as he attempted to assess the damage, murmuring under his breath. " Two broken ribs, right lung punctured, full of blood, and massive blood loss… Maker. How is she even still alive let alone breathing?" His voice hitched as he fought back the tears that were threatening to overcome him.

He couldn't let himself lose control not now, he could feel Justice lingering around the edges of his mind, looming, unsure of the spirits intent there wasn't anger there. Sorrow maybe? He shut it all out. She needed him now, and he would have to wait, there would time for everything else later he argued inwardly.

Xxx

"Anders." Her voice was barely audible; shakily she lifted a blood soaked hand up cupping his face leaving streaks of blood in it's wake, his face was so warm against her cold clammy hand. "I'm so sorry, my handsome raven," she gasped.

Anders choked out a sob, his body trembling. She only ever called him that in private, between whispers of unrequited love and affection, she had told him that her Anders was a noble raven, sleek and handsome, and that she had see him for who he really was, without Justice and the mask he kept in place for others she knew him and knew his heart.

"Shh, don't try and talk… it's alright now Mara, you'll be alright, just relax." Cupping his hand on top of hers pressing firmly against his face, his finger lacing with hers he gently kissed her palm then laid her hand down by her side, this was going to be his undoing, he was sure of it.

If she doesn't survive this... but he couldn't think like that she had to live. Leaning forward, lightly bushing his lips on her cold forehead. "I love you Marian, no matter what, I will always love you." He whispered softly.

"Blondie, this is all the lyrium potions I could find; it's not much but hopefully enough." Varric spoke, but not taking his eyes away from Hawke's bloodied body, the dwarfs face twisted in fear and sadness that the others mirrored.

"Six flasks, it may be enough let's hope anyways." Anders took one of the flasks from the dwarf, his hands trembling, "Hand me one when I ask, okay Varric?" Varric nodded, his discomfort apparent. "Fenris, I'll need your help, we have to get the dagger out. My hands are shaking too much I need you to…" his voice cracked, watching as Fenris taking position beside Hawke giving Anders a murderous glare.

"Tell me when, Mage."

"She's going to bleed out if we don't do this quickly and cleanly. When I tell you, pull it out straight and steady or you'll do even more damage to her." Taking the bandages and cloth, Aveline handed to him he gave her a desperate look. "Aveline, she might thrash around, can you help hold her down please? I would put her to sleep but she may never wake up if I do. It's too much of a risk right now."

Aveline nodded, kneeling by Hawke's head brushing back a stray strand of bloody hair that stuck to the side of her face, tucking it behind her ear. "Hang in there Hawke, you'll be right in no time." She smiled weakly at her friend. Aveline wasn't a pious woman by any means but she murmured a silent prayer for her friend.

Xxx

Hawke tried to stay focused on what was happening around her, it was impossible her head was swimming all she could do was focus on Anders, she wanted to comfort him, he looked so scared she wanted to reach out to him again but her arms wouldn't respond, and felt so heavy. Everything was a haze, voices reduced to nervous buzzing in her ears. Feeling pressure on her shoulders, she tried to see but she couldn't move.

She opened her mouth to speak as the pain ripped its way through her body. Everything rushing into sharp clear focus, lurching forward she tried to scream but all that came out was a wet strangled cry, she was trying to inhale, couldn't breathe her heart hammering in her ears and blood filled her mouth, there was shouting all around her now, panicked voices of her loved ones.

"WHAT DID YOU DO, MAGE," Fenris voice boomed from above her.

"Ah, shit, shit, shit, she's drowning in her own blood…" Anders' voice full of panic, glaring up at Fenris. " If you're going to just sit there screaming at me then get the fuck out Fenris." Anders snapped, trying to hold back his temper. His hands pressed down firmly against her chest, attempting to hold back the fountain of blood gushing from the gaping wound and letting the magic pour into her.

She barely felt the familiar warm tingle of the healing magic over the intense pain. Hawke fought to take another breath but her lungs burned, she felt more blood bubbling up her throat, she tried to speak but there was no air. Her eyes bulged darting wildly about the room, she fought the pain as the world around her and everyone she loved went plunging into the darkness.

Xxx

There was peace in the nothingness, like a velvet cloak wrapped lovingly around her, a feeling of safety, a feeling that she had only ever felt with one person...Anders. But now felt like an eternity gone past in this place, wherever she was. There was a feeling that someone was here with her, the sense of them lingered but she couldn't quite see or perhaps she didn't want to, she was not sure.

"He loves you…" a booming voice echoed from all around her. "I didn't understand it. But I believe I am starting to."

She knew that voice. It was not one she expected to hear, not the one she was hoping to hear where ever here was.

"Justice?"

"It would have been easier to take him over and let you die. His emotions are overwhelming him. Guilt and blame has him in an iron grip. I could have easily slipped in and took over. You're a distraction, one I didn't think we could afford."

"And now?"

"And now… I think he needs you, we need you."

"We?"

"I'm not sure how it happened, but yes… we both need you."

"Are we in the fade?" She had been in the fade many times, this was different, it didn't feel the same.

"No, I kept you from slipping into the fade. I need you to understand."

"Understand what?"

"How much we need you, and I do this for him, it's all I can give."

The booming voice echoed, coming from everywhere and nowhere at the same time, the voice slowly fading away as the faint sound of sobs reached her. She tried to focus as the sobs became louder, more persistent.

Everything it was so familiar yet strange to her. She loved it, and hated it, but she needed to find him. She didn't want to be where he wasn't. The warm safe feeling faded as a wave a sadness enveloped her. She needed to help him, to be near him, to touch him, to let her handsome raven know that she was there. And she always would be no matter what.

Struggling against a thick fog, she pushed herself forward as her mind started to clear. The feeling and the pain was still there, but was bearable now. Her body screamed for air, she needed to breath, remembering how she sucked in a very slow steady breath, her body reacted as she felt a rush of awareness.

Her face felt wet. Was she crying? She wondered. No there was pressure against her head, her eyes felt thick like grit and painful, still she forced them to open.

It was Anders, the one she was looking for. The one she wanted to be near, the one she fought to come back to. His forehead was pressed against hers, eyes squeezed tightly closed as his tears overflowed, his arms wrapped tightly around her head, loud painful sobs he whispered.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" repeated over and over, it was breaking her heart to see him like this.

Her Anders should never cry like this, and especially not because of her, never because of her. She struggled to speak against the burning dryness in her throat.

"Anders." Her voice barely a whisper.

His body tensed, the his breath hitched, as he drew his head back quickly, his hazel eyes went wide, locking on her sapphire blue ones, "Marian." He gasped, his voice cracking and his expression full of wonder and shock.

She smiled weakly, bringing up a shaky hand, cupping his cheek as her thumb was wiping the tears from his eye.

"Please don't cry," she cooed as he stared down at her in udder disbelief.

"Y-you were dead, I…" Anders stammered, his hands trembling, his fingers lightly brushed down her cheeks, then across her pale lips.

"I know, but it's alright now." She croaked, sliding her hand around his neck tugging his face back down to hers, his lips were burning hot against hers that were chilled from the loss of blood. She could feel the heat radiate from him, she longed to have him curled up beside her, to be trapped in his embrace.

"But how? I don't understand."

"It was you, my love. You brought me back." Her lips curled into a weak smile.

"But."

"Shhh, Anders please." She said weakly, her voice barely above a whisper.

Anders hands cupped her chilled face, kissing her forehead, he shuddered at how close he came to losing her forever.

A loud crash drew their attention away from each other, muffled shouts rang through the clinic, Hawke's brow furrowed looking around to see who it was and Anders frowned.

"Damn it." He whispered.

"What's?..."

"Fenris... he tried to kill me when you…When, I thought you had…died." His voice wavered. "I wanted him to kill me, but Aveline and Varric pulled him out of here."

"He what?" panic and rage filled her voice; she flayed about, attempting to sit up, pain shot through her chest, crying out and clutching at her chest.

"No, no, no... You can't, just lay back. You'll just reopen the wound." Anders scolded her pressed her gently back into the cot. "I'll go talk to him, just rest and don't try to move." Getting up, he moved swiftly to the doors.

The shouting was increasingly more heated, pausing briefly, looking back at her, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips before disappearing out the door.

Hawke was so tired; she stared at the ceiling listening to the muffled shouts that slowly turned into loud mumbles. She had hoped that was a good sign.

She would never be able to forgive Fenris if he hurt Anders in any way. Her mind drifted, thoughts about Justice. Hearing him, was it a dream? What he might mean by them both needing her? She wondered if the spirit was falling in love with her too? The idea was silly and a little scary, maybe he figured that it would be easier for Anders, making it easier for him? Did Anders know? If he does would he say anything to her about it? Should she bring it up? She yawned her lids became heavy as sleep soon overcame her; she drifted into a deep sleep.

xXx

"If it's not important then why won't you just tell us what was so important that you left the woman you proclaim to love, to die?" Fenris roared, standing nose to nose with Anders, his green eyes a blazed with fury.

Fenris' voice bellowed through her head snapping her awake. Hawke knew that tone in his voice all too well and it was a dangerous one, her eyes darted around the dimly lit room, seeing them standing a few short feet away from where she lay.

"And where were you Fenris? You say I wasn't there for her but where were you when she was getting impaled." Anders glared back at the elf, feeling the edge of his self-control waning, Justice fighting for control.

"You are a mage as is she. You have always stood beside her you're the one who makes sure she's out of harms way." Fenris spat, his hands balling into fists.

"I guess that's why she chose me over you then, huh?" Anders' eyes narrowed, glaring at Fenris, daring him to try something.

"That can be easily rectified." Fenris lunged towards Anders, knocking the mage back a few steps. Drawing his sword, his skin glowed.

Fenris knew, Anders was drained and was lyrium addled. He didn't care anymore, he wanted the mage out of his life, out of hers once and for all.

"FENRIS, STOP IT!" Hawke cried out, standing beside the cot clutching at her bandaged chest, blood oozing steadily from between her fingers, she staggered forward collapsing to her knees, crying out in pain.

Fenris eyes widened, dropping his sword with a loud clatter, he ran to her, falling to his knees in front of her.

Anders was already there holding her close to him. Whispering, he scolded her, as he very gently scooped her into his arms, placing her back on the cot, blood trickled down her arm.

Fenris watched, as tears ran down her face, panting and shaking, she stared into his eyes, hers filled with hurt and betrayal. It made him feel sick and he hated himself even more now if that had been even possible.

"I think you should leave Fenris, you've caused enough damage tonight." Anders said softly, there was a hint of venom in his tone.

"I-I'm sorry Hawke." Was all Fenris could muster before staggering to his feed and walking out the door, leaving his sword and everything behind him, never looking back.

He wasn't sure if he could ever face her again after tonight. He knew without a doubt that he had lost her for good. That the mage stood in his place and in her heart, it was he that drove her into the mage's arms and that was eating him alive.

Xxx

It was the smell of burning wood that awoke her this time, she blinked, her eyes blearily realizing she was in her own bed. The fireplace had been lit and she had been bathed, and freshly bandaged. She was wearing one of her favorite shirts of Anders that she loved to wear when he worked late at the clinic. It smelled like him, she would always steal it away when he wasn't looking, and he would play annoyed with her, saying that every time he needed it she was wearing it, but she knew that he loved when she wore it, always keeping that bit of him with her when he couldn't be there.

She felt something warm pressed up against her side, looking over, she saw Anders curled up against her, dark circles under his hazel eyes, looking like he hasn't slept in weeks. He laid watching her, bringing a hand up brushing a stray hair from her face that sent a shiver through her, a look of worry etched on his.

"You know watching someone sleep could be considered creepy if it were anyone else." She smiled sweetly at him, hoping her witty humor would at least make him smile. She hated seeing him so tired and worried. She craved to see his smile.

"You've been asleep for nearly four days," He said softly, pressing himself closer to her side. "That was a stupid stunt you pulled by getting up like that. You almost died … again." He frowned, taking her hand and pressing his lips to her palm. "I can't lose you, love." He whispered into her palm.

"He would have killed you Anders, I couldn't let him."

"No less then I deserve, Marian. He was right I should have been there for you."

"I'll have none of that, as far as I'm concerned there is nothing left to say on the matter."

"I owe you an explanation."

She pressed a finger to his lips, "No. Whatever reason you had doesn't matter anymore, I will not question it further. I will never try and force you to tell my anything you're not willing to."

Anders smirked, kissing her fingers. "Okay, if that's what you want."

"I do."

Wrapping his arms carefully around her waist pulling her gently against him, resting his chin on her shoulder, nuzzling her neck.

She closed her eyes and hummed contently, she always felt safe in his embrace, the feeling she was longing for.

In that place, in-between, the only time she truly felt safe was when he was with her.

Her brows pulled tightly, as she remembered what Fenris almost did to Anders, and anger reared up in her. "Has Fenris…"

"No, he hasn't been around at all. Isabela said he asked about you, everyone has come to visit and to sit with you, but he's been locked up in that house of his ever since that night."

"Good." She grumbled. "He better still be there when I'm well enough to walk." Her tone harsh.

"He's still in love with you. You have to know that." Anders whispered, his hot breath tickling her ear sending another set of shivers through her, anger melted away. He always seemed to know just what to do to defuse her.

"I know, that's still no excuse."

"I would have done the same, Mara, you are the most important thing to me. Maker help me, I would have torn him apart if the tables had been turned, he had every right to act as he did."

Hawke sighed, "I really don't want to talk about him right now, I can think of better things to be do." She purred, her lips pressing against the corner of his mouth, trailing feather light kisses down his jaw to his ear, tugging the lobe gently with her teeth.

He moaned, running his fingers lightly down, caressing her sides, feeling her body quake under his touch. "You have to take it easy for a while love, you can't over exert yourself, you lost a lot of blood and your body needs rest."

His breath hitched as her hands slid down his bare stomach, her fingers tracing along the waist of his pants. "I'll be gentle if you are." She whispered seductively, slipping her hand down his pants, her fingers brushing lightly down his hardened length.

He gasped, "You are an evil, evil woman." He panted breathlessly. "I can never say no to you." His body shuddered, the light touch driving him mad, fighting the need to take her right there.

"Don't you forget it either." She said smirking, grasping him firmly and slowly stroking down his shaft, she stared into his eyes, full of lust.

Anders, breath caught in his chest, looking at her like this. She was so beautiful, looking at him that way. He just wanted to bury himself inside her, lose himself within her, to forget about what he almost lost that night, fighting every instinct not to just give in to her. "I swear, you will be the death of me, woman."

Lacing her free hand around his neck, she pulled him down to her, their lips crushing together and suddenly all their anger, fears melted away into desire for each other. She craved the heat of his touch, to feel him deep inside her. Releasing her grip on him and whimpering, she tugged on his pants, her lip jutting out in a pout.

He chuckled, his teeth tugging on her lip, taking her hand and pulling it away. "You need to rest, it's just too soon, your body has to recover."

"Are you saying no to me?" she half smirked.

"I wouldn't dare." He chuckled, running his fingers through her hair. "I'm saying not right now, in a few more days when you've recovered more."

"Fine." She mock pouted this time; knowing he was right, she was still light headed, it would do her no good if she passed out in the middle of making love to him.

"I'll be right here with you, I'm not leaving your side again."

Resting her head on his chest, his arm wrapped protectively around her. Anders held her close, kissing her forehead. She could handle waiting as long as he was there with her, cause that's all she ever really wanted to begin with, to have the man she loved with her through it all good or bad. She would stand by him no matter what came their way.


End file.
